1.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached.
It was the knight’s best friend.
He yells, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key.
Two hot young ladies are talking
There was a loser
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached.
It was the knight’s best friend.
He yells, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key.
Two hot young ladies are talking
There was a loser
2.
During a visit to a closed institution
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
During a visit to a closed institution
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
3.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
4.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
5.
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
6.
“How can I know the best way to act in life?” the disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
After a long sermon
A young man walks into a supermarket
“How can I know the best way to act in life?” the disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
After a long sermon
A young man walks into a supermarket
7.
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
8.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
9.
They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they’re pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie’s lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
“Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?” the Irishman pleads.
“I’d love ta, but this old genie’s barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully.”
Quickly, one of the men calls out, “I wish the ocean’d turn ta Guinness!”
“Consider it done.” The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, “Ya flocking’ idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!”
On Christmas Eve
A rancher was minding his own business
They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they’re pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie’s lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
“Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?” the Irishman pleads.
“I’d love ta, but this old genie’s barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully.”
Quickly, one of the men calls out, “I wish the ocean’d turn ta Guinness!”
“Consider it done.” The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, “Ya flocking’ idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!”
On Christmas Eve
A rancher was minding his own business
10.
A man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said,
“In my house, I am the boss.
I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made.
And when the dishes are washed.”
One of the guys at the table said,
“How long have you been married?”
The man says, “Oh I’m not married I’m single!”
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
A man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said,
“In my house, I am the boss.
I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made.
And when the dishes are washed.”
One of the guys at the table said,
“How long have you been married?”
The man says, “Oh I’m not married I’m single!”
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
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11.
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
During one of her daily classes a teacher
An elderly man walks into a confessional
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
During one of her daily classes a teacher
An elderly man walks into a confessional
12.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
13.
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
14.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
15.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
16.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
17.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
18.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.”
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.”
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two blonde gals at the casino
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.”
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.”
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two blonde gals at the casino
19.
A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies.
She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?”
The husband says, “Sure.”
She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?”
He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says,
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.”
The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!”
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies.
She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?”
The husband says, “Sure.”
She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?”
He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says,
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.”
The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!”
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
20.
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
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21.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
22.
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
23.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
24.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
25.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
26.
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
27.
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
28.
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
29.
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
30.
After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady.
On their honeymoon night, she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by.
Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously mstrbting.
She smiles and says, “You’re married now. You don’t have to do that anymore.”
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, “Oh, I forgot.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
A boy who was a witness to a crime
After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady.
On their honeymoon night, she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by.
Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously mstrbting.
She smiles and says, “You’re married now. You don’t have to do that anymore.”
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, “Oh, I forgot.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
A boy who was a witness to a crime
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eng jokes